Assignment: Write a short paragraph describing a visit to the dentist. Use exact and colorful verbs to suggest the sounds made by the dentist’s equipment and to indicate your feelings and reactions.
Student 1 (Palauan):
I feel uneasy as I enter the room. Anxious to get it over with, I lie down on the chair. I try to quell the uprising fear inside of me as I hear the whir of a drill. I startle as it drills into my cavaties [sic]. The next sound I hear is the gushing sound of water. A hose is inside my mouth and I feel cold water squirting into my mouth. After the hose, a teeth cement fill is mixed and using a piece of cold metal, the dentist keeps my tongue out of the way and heaps the cement into my teeth. He cleans the remaining cement then tells me that I am done and may leave. I travel back home no longer distressed but joyful that the experience is over with.
Wow! Way to NAIL the assignment! Active verbs? Check. Your feelings? Check. Your reactions? Check. The sounds made by the equipment? Check. Use of this week’s vocabulary word “quell”? I think I might cry!
Student 2 (Micronesian):
I can’t really remember when was the last time I went to the dental but I will try.
When I went through the door, my heart was bumping so fast because I was scared. I could hardly open my mouth when I heard the metal sound of his equipments. When he gave me the medicine to make my mouth numb, I felt that my mouth was getting bigger and that it’s swollen. I got up so fast and ran toward the mirror to see what’s happening but he then told me that it’s just like that and that it’s going to be all right. Whenever he would lower down his light to my mouth and ask me to open, I would close my eyes and beg him not to cut my mouth for I won’t say any more bad words to people. I was comforted when he told me that if I let him take my tooth, then he will buy me an ice-cream.
What can I say except … it’s science. Cutting your mouth because you say bad words? Dentists who encourage ice cream eating after removing a bad tooth? I’m at a loss. But nice work on sentences and communicating what it felt like! A few good verbs in there, too.
Student 3 (Chinese):
“mom, I don’t want to go and see the stangely dentsis, my withe teeth they all still good.” “No, is a Huge NO, You have to go and see the dear dentsis, and claen your yellow teeth.” “Fun mom, ok your can stop your Jabber moth. And I will go.” In the afternoon me and my mom went and see the dentsis. When I get # [sic] inside of that dentsis’s office, first come to my mind is the color, everything color is wite. The color like the snow’s color. But, when I sceme to see the person with wite color cloth, Im alreably stard shakking, cause even thou they are just cleaning my teeth, but it is still realy hard.
So ....great paragraph! Hook, topic sentence, body, conclusion. Done and done. But where do you BEGIN with the grammar and spelling?!? Also, it’s really sweet. This is exactly how she speaks. I love it.
Student 4 (Marshallese):
I went and visit my friends at Marshalle, and also I visit My Grand Parents at there house. and also in Bethania they have a visitor from other place or from the states. One time the Germany came to Bethania and visit. Even the Palauan friends they also come and visit the Palauan studens.
Well, okay … ummm good effort. But. She’s from the Marshalls and she didn’t even spell Marshalls right. :( Errrrm … help?
Special note: The students’ nationality has little to do with their language levels. I have some amazing Marshallese writers and some shockingly bad Palauan writers, too. I only noted it because sometimes it helps you know where they’re coming from when it comes to the content.
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