It’s permanent. It’s temporary. It’s permanent. It’s temporary.
We have no idea what’s happening. There are a lot of people that get a say in where we live, but it seems like we aren’t really two of those people. So as heavenly as it is to live at Bethania (pun intended), we’re having a hard time enjoying our new digs. We can’t really settle in until we know what’s what. Should I spend my precious few dollars on a mop? A gas burner? Or will I have to leave that all behind to move into someone else’s house next week? I guess we’ll just have to wait for government employees who live thousands of miles away (and have never been here) to make decisions about our day-to-day life. Yay!
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I do have a couple thoughts to share on this big change. (I don’t want to speak for Nick, so I’m just sharing my own views on what happened over the past few weeks.)
It’s hard to separate out, in my mind, what was “culture shock” and what was just flat-out inappropriate about these 3 months. I didn’t even realize how bad our situation was until I left it. At one point I was fantasizing about the produce section in a specialty grocery store (see previous post), and then only a few weeks later I was longing for clean water that wouldn’t make me “homesick.” The way you might dream about a chocolate fudge sundae, I was dreaming about water. I’m not sure how things deteriorated so fast from … oh, I wish I had a blackberry … to … I wish I had life-sustaining water and was eating more than 500 calories per day. But it happened like that. And I harbor no ill-will about it, either. It was no one’s fault, it was purely circumstantial.
Looking back, I realize that I have a MUCH high tolerance for adversity than I ever imagined. I think that’s half good and half bad. The positive lesson I learned from that, is that I now know I can bear a lot more than I give myself credit for. The negative lesson is that I now know that I do NOT really know when to draw the line, for my own sanity. I put up with way too much before I called it off.
I think most Peace Corps Volunteers know they’ve signed up for hardship – and they expect it to work out like that – but when things go south, it’s really hard to know when you’re bucking up and handling a hardship and when shit has gone crazy. I feel like I could recognize the difference in my OWN culture, but in someone else’s culture, and when I already agreed to handle outstanding difficulties, I really don’t know where that line is. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say … I didn’t know, but I’m learning. Future Peace Corps volunteers and trainees, take note: You have to be smart about this, and it is very, very difficult to know when you’re just REALLY frustrated and when you’re actually ignoring your better judgment.
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Also I want to give credit, where credit is due. When we raised our white flag and said, “That’s it. Can not. Game over.” We had the help that we needed from our community to find new accommodations and get out of our situation. That was very, very reassuring. We’re very grateful to the people in our community and at Bethania for making that happen as quickly as it did. (Peace Corps Palau’s response might be a different story, but … that’s a whole separate chapter.)
And now, we’re in limbo. Waiting to find out if we go, or if we stay.
Let the bureaucracy begin!
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